DB Todd and The Skullet Say…
I don’t spend enough time on this here Bone Tone to think about it much, but every now and again I will find myself wondering why the fuck I still keep this stupid-ass thing up and runnin’. Then I remember how many stupid fucking assholes exist out there, and get right back to work. There is one thing, however, that is so fucking hilarious that it has become my primary source of free entertainment. Because none of you limp-dick, hairless weasels are allowed behind the curtain of this big-ass tent that my dick is pitchin’, I got to tell you, some of the phrases, or keywords that people punch into whatever search engine was designed for clearly illiterate people, and that cause them to stumble upon this Boner Stabone–yes, that is a tribute to the recently departed actor who played Boner on Growing Pains, the greatest sit-com character to have ever been on a show that had an all-Canadian cast. Serious Clark, Kirk Cameron and his curly mullet (pronounced moo-lay), clearly Canadian. A Thicke, that pimp who played the dad–also very Canadian. He also went on to become the only non-pornstar to have such a pornstaresque name. And all the rest of them fuckers…Canadian. Any of the four of you reading this happen to be Canadian? If so, I love your country, but it is the bird shit on top of America. Don’t be pissed, I’ve never even actually been, however I would go in a heartbeat if your country would just go ahead and change its name to America Jr. Think how great of a PR move that would be! Anyhow, I digress. So I was scanning the Boner Dashboard, which is essentially what I get for wasting my time on this thing, and one of the best search engine phrases I’ve ever come across nearly had me in tears I was laughing so hard. You ready for this? Remember, last time I wrote on this topic the winning phrase was “Hitler’s boner.” Tonight, however, ladies and germs, quiero a la presentarle mi catch-phrase favorita–translation: the best line that’s ever brought a pussy to the Boner files. It’s so good, that I’ve found myself actually thinking about the weirdo who wrote it, and what kind of freak-bitch he must be like. The three words that I just couldn’t not share it with the two of you regular Boner readers (I appreciate you), is “suck ma buttole.” That’s right, I said “suck ma buttole.” Best combination of words not found in the english language that I’ve ever come across–easily. So let’s think about this for a second. First, just say it to yourself out loud: suck…ma…buttole. Immediately, we know we’re dealing with someone from the south. I’m picturing a dude with a crustache, wife-beater, skullet (a bald man’s mullet, where he’s still having a kick-ass party in back, despite the fact the front left him years ago), and he probably is located somewhere just below the Mason-Dixon line. We also know that he is clearly very well educated for a southern gentlemen. I’m thinking he might have even tried to enroll in a few classes at National American University, or Phoenix University, which is nowhere near Phoenix and is totally internet-based, but his check bounced. Not that it mattered at that point anyway, as he had already been notified that he was actually the first person to ever not get accepted to either of those schools. Big deal homey, there’s always Clown College to fall back on. Anyway, so the dude wanted to gits his buttole sucked. Just because he’s a Southern-Dumbshit (not to be confused with Southern Baptist) don’t mean he don’t need someone to help him clean out them dingle-boones thatta get ta hangin’ from the beard in his crack. Not to mention that’s all beside the point anyway. It was really just a simple mistake. Ya see, when the carnies came through town the other day, they invited our skullet-wearin’ skid-marked friend to they’s pot-luck supper. But when the bearded lady asked him to bring toss a salad, how else was he sposed to git the recipe? Ain’t that what Google-For-People-Who-Can’t-Read-or-Write was invented for? Sheeeeeeeet, it makes perfect sense if ya asked me: bearded lady wants a tossed salad, and homeboy Googled “suck ma buttole.” What?
